Separation Anxiety

How many times have I had to transition between locations, people, and state of minds for the past 8 years? I couldn't really count, but I think a good estimate would range somewhere between an impossibly large number and an inconceiveable sum. Maybe this is why people say that high school and college are the best years of your life, because setting out into the "real" world (though I don't know anyone who really believes that school counts as the "real" world) stimulates more in your life than ever before and again, assuming that the finish line is to meet the status quo with a 401K and 2.5 kids.

For the first time I've had to deal with a transition not only in my life, but in someone else's. When my parents divorced, I was 12-13 years old and I left my dad behind- I didn't have the stones to deal with him as a family, if only because he didn't either. During the whole process I just shut myself off, which is a habit I developed ever since sentience, and subsequently repeated the process for every transition I had to make. Being afraid of moving, of meeting new people, of being lonely, all of that ties back to simply being afraid of fear itself. I should be better at handling those "normal" things, but really I've just developed a more sophisticated disconnection. Now, I am part of a larger transitional point in my life where I not only try to improve myself, I attempt to solve my boyfriend's problems as well.

How does that apply when your significant other moves away for grad school? Dealing with schoolwork, maintaining a social life, eating, and anything else that constitutes as normal takes a large effort on my part. How can I meet someone halfway when my half seems so insignificant? Is my half worth only 1/5 of theirs? If someone asks you to handle their move and the rest of their belongings, is it selfish to refuse?

So, to address the problem with my current transition I guess I have to list all the things I'm accustomed to doing, then try to apply a realistic approach and be considerate of my boyfriend as well. I'm used to procrastinating, so I can't do that. I'm used to getting angry, so I can't do that. I'm used to avoiding people, so I can't do that. So far I've improved upon some major negative things, but it's still not good enough. I still can't help someone as much as I want to, and the things that I'm able to do are so insignificant it doesn't matter if they're accomplished or not. This is why I avoid so many things; I feel clumsy, useless, and overwhelmed if I try to do anything that involves someone other than myself.

It seems that there's not much of a solution other than slaving away for somebody, letting them procrastinate while I expend my energies on their well-being instead of working towards a balanced objective. If I try to work towards a balanced objective, my boyfriend gets emotional. If I try to calm him down, he gets mad. If I appeal to his weirdness, he starts to feel better but then never actually accomplishes what he needs to do.

This is his transition, I know, but it is mine as well. If we're both really serious then how will marriage fair when I'm supposed to put my spouse before everything else? How can I sit back and tell him to handle his own stuff, when everyone else around him apathetically appeals to his wants? Will he grow tired of me protesting? Am I just a selfish jerk?

In reality all I've ever wanted is stability- at least rationally. It's nice to have variation, but the degree of emotional and mental stress that comes with it makes me so tired and apathetic. I don't want to become apathetic. I don't know how to solve anything, but I know that I don't want that.