Holidays make me so damned sore I can't leave my apartment without being negative of the tiniest thing. I burned something today in a ritualistic, mad glee. My family is too damn normal, they stifle me!
Also, from One Minute Writer:
Write about an argument you had with someone you loved, and how it affected your relationship.
I like to argue. I am stubborn, logical, passionate, and analytical to the point of cynicism, bitterness, and even loneliness. My tactics vary for every person as I become their devil's (and heaven's) advocate. Countless times I have domineered over someone with my debate, even if my own beliefs were not presented truthfully. Even if I flat-out lied. I try not to do this anymore, as it is a destructive (and rather masculine)form of abuse if used improperly. It seems the important people in my life recognize this as a strength, where I have learned that strength doesn't need to be reflected only with anger. As I have grown and healed some of that cynical, boyish devil in me, I see a friend of mine harboring this black view of the world and sabotaging his happiness.
Two friends of mine recently broke off their 7 month-ish relationship, mostly due to my cynical and moody guy friend's idiocy. I feel like I can impart something to him, to enforce that it is so much better on the other side of hate and bitterness, and that if he really needs someone on that darker side I can be there with him for a brief time.
However, I may be using this as an opportunity to fit back into my familiar skin. While this may seem like a typical friend problem, this stubborn guy makes a mood his lifelong principle, even if he knows it changes with the winds. Damn, he is an idiot! If only he realized that his major malfunction is that he just doesn't know that most women are the "grey" and most men are "black and white" in their stances! He doesn't seem to understand the compatible nature of female and male, for he feels his cynical and bleak nature is too rough for his girl- who is actually pretty damn cynical and bleak herself!
Anyway, there's more to it all. I can't impart any of my thoughts to him until he returns, so I guess my debate exercise will have to wait.
12.14.2008
A Bit of Music
I found this song on Youtube of a gothic celtic (albeit it's a "peppy" gothic type) fantasy power metal... Hmm... "Fantasy Power Metal." I like the sound of that.
Anyway, for those who know me I am not a "music" person. I have never been allowed to collect music and I have deeply ingrained traits in me to avoid spending frivolously on things liked CDs, DVDs, or games. I've improved much in that department, but I am still a fledgling music-seeker. I guess I've always felt that music was something I could do for myself, since I've played instruments and I hum almost constantly.
Regardless, bands like Dragonforce and Nightwish have caught my attention (which is saying a lot, since I don't have the attention span for collecting music) and I've now just found this band that I really like... Oh, and I'm also a sucker for musicals. Sweeney Todd, Evita, and even Cats are among my favorites, while I also enjoy classic Hammerstein productions. I love classical music, including Mozart, Beethoven, Felix Mendelssohn, Johannes Brahms, Richard Wagner, Giuseppe Verdi, Bach, Chopin, and the contemporaries Danny Elfman, John Williams, and Philip Glass. I like them all, yet I do not own soundtracks or any music player besides the PS2 and my car's disc player.
On my facebook page I posted a link to a song
"Bye Bye Shadowlands
The term is over
and all the holidays have begun"
Now she walks in fresh fields
her tracks are on the land
She is everywhere and noplace
Like a breath or like a wind
she moves among men
They would seek to hold her as a prize
But she is in the shadows,
the ocean and the sand
She is everywhere and noplace,
Her church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
She is in the head and heart
She is in the swing
She is in the seasons' stately slow procession
Across great seas she travels
up through rising lands
She is everywhere and noplace
Her church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
Isn't that a pretty sun
setting in a pretty sky ?
Will we stay and watch it darken ?
Let us stay and watch it darken
and together we will worship
the Goddess of the land,
her blessed and sacred Earth;
her Church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
This precious place
unmade by man
(Lines in quotes from "The Last Battle" by CS Lewis)
London April 1984 / all lands 1991 - 1999
On "A Pagan Place"
Anyway, for those who know me I am not a "music" person. I have never been allowed to collect music and I have deeply ingrained traits in me to avoid spending frivolously on things liked CDs, DVDs, or games. I've improved much in that department, but I am still a fledgling music-seeker. I guess I've always felt that music was something I could do for myself, since I've played instruments and I hum almost constantly.
Regardless, bands like Dragonforce and Nightwish have caught my attention (which is saying a lot, since I don't have the attention span for collecting music) and I've now just found this band that I really like... Oh, and I'm also a sucker for musicals. Sweeney Todd, Evita, and even Cats are among my favorites, while I also enjoy classic Hammerstein productions. I love classical music, including Mozart, Beethoven, Felix Mendelssohn, Johannes Brahms, Richard Wagner, Giuseppe Verdi, Bach, Chopin, and the contemporaries Danny Elfman, John Williams, and Philip Glass. I like them all, yet I do not own soundtracks or any music player besides the PS2 and my car's disc player.
On my facebook page I posted a link to a song
Church Not Made With Handsby The Waterboys- it's a really beautiful song. I think someone has confused the band with a "Christian Band" label but for all intents and purposes it is still meaningful- not insipid like most Christian rock bands I've briefly heard. They definitely have Scottish/Irish and Welsh members and certainly a Pagan influence. This particular piece is very jazzy, which I also like. Here are the lyrics:
"Bye Bye Shadowlands
The term is over
and all the holidays have begun"
Now she walks in fresh fields
her tracks are on the land
She is everywhere and noplace
Like a breath or like a wind
she moves among men
They would seek to hold her as a prize
But she is in the shadows,
the ocean and the sand
She is everywhere and noplace,
Her church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
She is in the head and heart
She is in the swing
She is in the seasons' stately slow procession
Across great seas she travels
up through rising lands
She is everywhere and noplace
Her church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
Isn't that a pretty sun
setting in a pretty sky ?
Will we stay and watch it darken ?
Let us stay and watch it darken
and together we will worship
the Goddess of the land,
her blessed and sacred Earth;
her Church not made with hands
Uncontained by man
This precious place
unmade by man
(Lines in quotes from "The Last Battle" by CS Lewis)
London April 1984 / all lands 1991 - 1999
On "A Pagan Place"
12.11.2008
Philosophy Club: the Soul
As of last night, I consider myself an initiate of Auburn's (fledgling) Esoteric Philosophy Club (held at a friend's apartment on Glenn.)
Eventually the "soul" question came up, so I thought only briefly before replying to keep the ball rolling. I like the idea of everything coming from One, such as everything comes from everything else: Infinity equals One. More on that later...
I answered that the soul is the catalyst beginning at conception. Since life begets life and energy begets energy, the moment of conception must need a catalyst for life to start as one- this I think is the soul. Others said I may mean "driving force," but this is too vague and cliche for me. Some driving force must exist in the universe for everything to begin, live, die, and renew, but I do not think it is as vague when it comes to my individual existence. Driving force may be the element which decides all things to exist, but it is the soul which is the extra "nudge" in creating a specific life. Without the catalyst, the conception fails.
This push can also be explained as "God's will," such as when couples cannot conceive together. I am not so arrogant to assume that alternative methods of conception are a perverse solution to the natural order of things. I am in support of in vitro fertilization, even with the cost of life. As much as death is scary and real, when life does not beget life it does not mean anything is lost. If everything comes from One, such as the Conservation of Matter theory seems to draw from, then nothing is ever truly lost or gained **-HOWEVER-** there is a tiny, miniscule ote of matter that is unaccounted for in reactions. I learned this a long time ago and it amazes me how often this fact goes ignored!! I then hear,
"Well, it's such a tiny insignificant amount, we don't count it."
INSIGNIFICANT?! This is our UNIVERSE we're talking about! Millions, billions, trillions, "xxx"-illions of reactions, comings and goings, and we say it is insignificant?! What wonders we would discover if we were to track this matter, possibly to the source of Everything and Nothing, to the "5th Dimension" where light can be tasted and touched...
Here is my answer for the Soul- it is my beginning, middle and end, the spark that beget my life like a spark for a fuse, traveling the length of wire to the inevitable stick of dynamite that is my death, to shatter and be spread out into everything else. Yeah, death is like dynamite, and we all have to go off sometime.
Eventually the "soul" question came up, so I thought only briefly before replying to keep the ball rolling. I like the idea of everything coming from One, such as everything comes from everything else: Infinity equals One. More on that later...
I answered that the soul is the catalyst beginning at conception. Since life begets life and energy begets energy, the moment of conception must need a catalyst for life to start as one- this I think is the soul. Others said I may mean "driving force," but this is too vague and cliche for me. Some driving force must exist in the universe for everything to begin, live, die, and renew, but I do not think it is as vague when it comes to my individual existence. Driving force may be the element which decides all things to exist, but it is the soul which is the extra "nudge" in creating a specific life. Without the catalyst, the conception fails.
This push can also be explained as "God's will," such as when couples cannot conceive together. I am not so arrogant to assume that alternative methods of conception are a perverse solution to the natural order of things. I am in support of in vitro fertilization, even with the cost of life. As much as death is scary and real, when life does not beget life it does not mean anything is lost. If everything comes from One, such as the Conservation of Matter theory seems to draw from, then nothing is ever truly lost or gained **-HOWEVER-** there is a tiny, miniscule ote of matter that is unaccounted for in reactions. I learned this a long time ago and it amazes me how often this fact goes ignored!! I then hear,
"Well, it's such a tiny insignificant amount, we don't count it."
INSIGNIFICANT?! This is our UNIVERSE we're talking about! Millions, billions, trillions, "xxx"-illions of reactions, comings and goings, and we say it is insignificant?! What wonders we would discover if we were to track this matter, possibly to the source of Everything and Nothing, to the "5th Dimension" where light can be tasted and touched...
Here is my answer for the Soul- it is my beginning, middle and end, the spark that beget my life like a spark for a fuse, traveling the length of wire to the inevitable stick of dynamite that is my death, to shatter and be spread out into everything else. Yeah, death is like dynamite, and we all have to go off sometime.
12.04.2008
Babies or College?
I've been thinking alot about the two paths I could take- the path of complacency or the path of triumph.
Nine of cups versus two of cups- the Chariot versus Death.
How to proceed? In one hand there is great fulfillment of love and family if I choose to forgo an education for children. On the other hand there is the personal gratification from earning a degree and applying it to a career. I've always assumed I should just get a degree, but I have only recently begun to consider the family option. It never occured to me I would have to choose between one or the other because I didn't think I would have children.
Am I just hormonal? Is this an excuse not to finish school? Will I hate myself forever by giving up now?
Nine of cups versus two of cups- the Chariot versus Death.
How to proceed? In one hand there is great fulfillment of love and family if I choose to forgo an education for children. On the other hand there is the personal gratification from earning a degree and applying it to a career. I've always assumed I should just get a degree, but I have only recently begun to consider the family option. It never occured to me I would have to choose between one or the other because I didn't think I would have children.
Am I just hormonal? Is this an excuse not to finish school? Will I hate myself forever by giving up now?
12.01.2008
Ever heard of the Academic Zodiac?
lu-lu-lunacy!
Apparently there is a modern "scientific astrology" practice for those who are aware of NASA... in other words, intuitive people are leaning toward the specific.
Geez, the data this guy Klaudio Zic has gathered and interpreted is immense, yet it is all just as immature and arbitrary as any newspaper horoscope. He cites the "coincidence" of the WTC tragedy happening precisely when the Moon entered Orion and Osama bin Laden's charts reveal his Moon in Orion... whatever. Do we really have to believe that the stars can predict or reflect our instances on earth to have reverance for them?
This Academic Zodiac is not based on the geocentric, misguided astrology practices that have been incorrect for over 2,000 years, he claims. I am well aware that the earth has shifted and that the planets have no physical resemblance to the Roman gods' personality traits, but my intuition is guided more by how I know a person. I try not to pull out a random noun or adjective, apply it to an astrological sign, and continue to use that word for future interpretations. I think there is something much bigger and much more mysterious to us than anything we could determine. Shuffling tarot cards is not a warm-up to get my psychic energies flowing- it is simply an exercise in blanking out; then I am ready to absorb, with guidance, a visual influence.
Apparently there is a modern "scientific astrology" practice for those who are aware of NASA... in other words, intuitive people are leaning toward the specific.
Geez, the data this guy Klaudio Zic has gathered and interpreted is immense, yet it is all just as immature and arbitrary as any newspaper horoscope. He cites the "coincidence" of the WTC tragedy happening precisely when the Moon entered Orion and Osama bin Laden's charts reveal his Moon in Orion... whatever. Do we really have to believe that the stars can predict or reflect our instances on earth to have reverance for them?
This Academic Zodiac is not based on the geocentric, misguided astrology practices that have been incorrect for over 2,000 years, he claims. I am well aware that the earth has shifted and that the planets have no physical resemblance to the Roman gods' personality traits, but my intuition is guided more by how I know a person. I try not to pull out a random noun or adjective, apply it to an astrological sign, and continue to use that word for future interpretations. I think there is something much bigger and much more mysterious to us than anything we could determine. Shuffling tarot cards is not a warm-up to get my psychic energies flowing- it is simply an exercise in blanking out; then I am ready to absorb, with guidance, a visual influence.
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